Family Reunion
by hyacinthian
Summary: Raj knows there's a reason his family tried to leave Lester in India. So this visit is totally not cool. Utter crack.


Chuck doesn't really know how he got roped into doing this.

He sits on the sofa awkwardly, long legs cramped up between the perfectly spaced coffee table and the edge of the sofa. The guy he just met, a Sheldon something? (seriously, he didn't even think people named their kids anything like that anymore - the name just makes him think of a turtle from a children's book), refuses to let him move it.

"I've perfectly spaced it for the appropriate distances needed to view the television, comfortably consume food, and sit comfortably, providing one has the right posture needed to avoid developing jaw, gastrointestinal, and cardiovascular issues."

Chuck just nods. Casey stands by the door scowling as Sarah chats with the neighbor, Penny, in the kitchen.

"Wow, you're really tall," Howard says, looking up at him. "You must get tons of chicks." Casey growls.

"So," Chuck says, clapping his hands together, "Should we get this family reunion over with?"

Lester coughs out a nervous laugh. "I don't really know why you had to bring your posse, but it's cool, man, it's cool."

Raj glares at him before he and Howard come over together. Raj whispers to Howard, and Howard says, "Hello, Lester."

Lester blinks. "I don't remember you not being able to talk when we were kids. I specifically remember you screaming when I tried to do that thing when we were seven..."

Howard says, "No need to bring that up. I can't talk when girls are in the room."

(Casey in the corner remains unfazed, though Chuck thinks he can definitely hear a, "These people make your Nerd Herd friends look like normal people.")

Lester blinks, "You can't talk when girls are in the room?"

Howard interjects, "No, _I _can talk when girls are in the room." To Sarah, "And _enchante_, _mademoiselle. Voulez vous coucher avec moi?_" (Sarah blinks as Penny whispers, "He does that a lot.")

"Raj can't talk to women," Sheldon adds. To Chuck: "You can't possibly believe that light cycles _exist_."

Leonard sighs, "Why not, Sheldon? They're almost visual representations of the doppler effect, which I think you can agree _exists_, considering you chose that for your Halloween costume."

"I choose many things for my Halloween costume, Leonard, one of which was the doppler effect, but has also previously included, and is not limited to, superheroes, like the Flash. The Flash, while containing powers of epic proportions, also remains fictional. Like light cycles."

Sheldon purses his lips. "Okay, how do you account for the fact that a machine running on petroleum can suddenly manage to create walls of light in its path?"

"All right, Sheldon, I concede the point," Leonard replies. Turning to Chuck, he musters a smile, "How did you end up with, ah, Sarah?"

Sheldon sighs. "Oh, good lord."

Chuck just laughs awkwardly. "What?"

"Leonard here clearly, and _misguidedly_, believes that by taking some of your direction, he'll succeed with our neighbor, Penny, where you have succeeded with Sarah."

"Sheldon," whines Leonard, under his breath. "But I mean, yeah, a couple tips _would _be nice."

-

Hell breaks out when Lester tries to hug Raj. Raj runs and hides behind Casey, who Lester doesn't even dare approach. "Oh, come on," Lester says. "You can't still blame me for what I did when you were fifteen. There was a pig and you were in a field. How could I _not_?"

"We were in India," Raj replies, before clamping his hands on his mouth. He whispers in Howard's ear, who then finishes his thought, "There weren't proper sanitary places to fix that."

Penny, head turned to hear their conversation, blinks. "Do I want to know what you guys are talking about? Yeah, no, probably not." Sarah laughs. "So, how's working at Orange Orange? I hear it pays pretty well. Plus, I'm sure you get the added benefit of tasting some. Mmm. At the Cheesecake Factory, I get crying babies and kids that throw things at me, and that's just on a regular day!"

Sarah laughs. "Sometimes it's hard. It gets boring. At least you're busy sometimes."

-

Lester's given up on Raj, who has turned to Skyping with his parents about the current situation with Lester bringing up certain adolescent indiscretions which the family may or may not have told him to stop talking about. (Whatever, Jeff knows.) So he's sitting with Howard, talking about their favorite Maxim models.

"I like the Caprice cover myself, May of '99? I mean, come on, model with the one-name thing going on, blonde, and suh-mokin' hot? Yes, please." He raises his hand. "Can I get a high five?"

"No, sir, you cannot. How do you beat the November 2000 issue with not only two smoking hot blonde models, but _also_ features an Argentinian and _Polish Wonderbra model_? How do you beat that? You can't."

Howard thinks on it for a second and then nods. "You're right, you're right, what was I thinking."

Lester leers. "Mmm, the things they can do with airbrushing nowadays."

"So what happened with you and Raj in India?"

Lester leans in, "Can you keep a secret?"

"Me? Of course! I can keep the best of secrets."

"Well, there was this girl, Devashree, and Raj had this huge crush on her. So anyway..." Howard gawps as Lester whispers the rest of the story in his ear. "...and then, when we came back, Raj was covered in _manure_, but I keep telling him, it wasn't the pig's fault."

"That..." Howard pauses, "is brilliant! I don't know why Raj is so upset."

"I know, right?"

"You, sir, are a gentleman and a scholar."

"Favorite Playboy models, 1997 to current, go."

"Oh, god, there's so many to choose from."

-

Leonard keeps looking from Chuck to Sarah. Narrowing his eyes, he snorts, "Huh, I just don't get it."

"What?" Chuck asks.

"How did you end up with her? I mean, I keep trying--"

"And failing," Sheldon adds.

"_Trying _to have a relationship with Penny, but things just aren't working out."

"He means she's shown no real interest in having his children," Sheldon says.

Chuck tries not to smile at their exchange. "Sarah's different. She's...you know, she's really cool. It took us a long time to get there. I'm sure you'll get there."

Sheldon, playing D&D Tactics on the PSP, pauses to take a quick sip of water. Without looking up, he rambles off, "Don't encourage him. It's taken me months to get him to realize the inevitable failure of his venture. If you inspire hope that one day this fantasy of his will become a reality, it's going to take me months to get him back to this point."

"Sheldon, let the man _speak_."

"Is this all you guys do?" Chuck asks. "You don't go out or something? Maybe you need to meet some other women."

"On Wednesdays, we play Halo. And we regularly take trips ot the comic book store."

"Out?" Leonard asks. "What do you mean, out?"

"You know," Chuck says, "Like the mall...or something?"

"Look, Leonard, all of your problems are solved. Just flock to the mecca of every teenage girl in sight and don't bring Wolowitz."

-

When Lester finally brings himself to leave (which Casey is more than grateful for - spending the time in that apartment was worse than any torture he could have possibly imagined), he and Howard have exchanged AIM screen names, work schedules, and phone numbers. He says a greeting to Raj who just crosses his arms over his chest and arches an eyebrow.

"Fair enough," Lester says. "I'll tell Sidharth you said hi. Or, anything, really. This whole not talking to girls schtick? Not cool, dude."

Casey grumbles, "Let's wrap it up here."

Chuck quickly stands, rambling off a, "Nice to meet you," to Leonard and Sheldon, though only Leonard returns the greeting. He also seems ridiculously sad that Chuck didn't have any kind of a how-to guide in his head on bagging hot blonde chicks who could probably kill him.

"Sheldon," Leonard says, "The man is leaving. Can't you at least muster up some kind of farewell greeting?"

Sheldon lifts up his hand in the Vulcan salute, before adding, "Even if your knowledge of the physics of Tron is limiting."

Chuck laughs.

-

After dropping Lester off, as they head back to the Buy More, Chuck claps a hand on Casey's shoulder, and says, "See, Casey? Things could have been worse. The Intersect could have been downloaded into one of those guys."

"If it was that Indian kid who can't talk when women are around, I'd be okay with it."


End file.
